Cheating is not the cause of the end of the relationship, it is the result. The result of the closeness and understanding of 2 people.
But let us go deeper. What hides behind the cheating and why do people even cheat?
The essence of the cheating is discontent in the relationship or life together. We are lacking in something. Something we need, so we search for it with another person, instead of looking to fulfil this need at home.
At the beginning of the cheating is the end of the blind infatuation. One person, however, still likes the other one very much (either that person is afraid of being alone - whatever the reason might be, or they are both already in some sort of complex relationship - they have loans, mortgage or a child) With respect to these things, people do not break up, but “just” cheat on each other.
Sometimes it is only because the lack of excitement and action in the relationship. This is usually caused by one from the couple being heavily overworked and the other one is bored.
Cheating is the natural result of the stagnation in the relationship.
People alienate each other and with time, the relationship gets stereotypical and routine. Only a few can move the relationship to new levels and developing it. It is same all the time: Work, home, chores, sleep. Even small things at work or at home then can lead to an occasional argument. We look forward to vacation that rushes by like a speed train and in the end, all that changes are the seasons.
As the time goes, the deviations are more and more apparent. Partners do not have the need to provide each other with small joys (reasoning with the fact that their partner will not appreciate it anyway). It never occurs to us that it would be the good idea to send a text message from time to time, as we did at the beginning of the relationship, to let the other one know that we miss him or her and that we are looking forward to seeing them. But we have all loved this period. We grinned with each text and we felt so good. And we need this feeling to feel good despite the time that had passed.
And this is the reason why we are able to cheat on our partners.
We are missing one of the five things: the words of reassurance, attention, actions - services, presents or physical contact. All of us need something that gives us the certainty of being loved, respected and accepted as a person. But this disappears from the relationship suddenly or slowly creeps away. At this point, the person that provides these feelings is more important to us. We feel important, valued and loved with that person. To share the close contact with the third one is just the natural result.
It is good to separate what is physical contact and what is the sex for us. With women, their sexdrive is based mostly on emotions. If they feel important for a man, loved, listened to, they tend to automatically devote themselves and their sexual appetite is on the rise. With men, it is physiological process. They need to get rid of the sperm fluid out of their bodies and when that does not happen, it can be painful. Considering the sexual intercourse only, there are no emotions involved. I would say that it is not cheating, but the tension release for men. Only when the feelings get involved, it becomes a problem and cheating. The situation, where we want to share all of our free time with the third person, when we are telling him or her about all of our worries and our successes, instead of celebrating those with our partner, becomes a problem. And that is the exact moment when we are lacking something in our real relationship. Whether it is attention of our partner, long talks, going on trips together, or physical contact - touching one another, sleeping and waking up together or anything else that might be missing.
How to prevent cheating? It is good to start some mutual traditions or customs in the first infatuation phase of our relationship. The small things that are only yours. Whether it is every Tuesday breakfast together and spend time only with each other or going out every month. The possibilities are endless and it only depends on the interests of the pair.
During my seminars, I have encountered many people, unhappy in their relationships, saying: Why should I make dinner for him? He does nothing for me! Why should I plan the weekend together since he does not appreciate any activity? Why should it be me doing the first step? Why he or she will not come up with anything? The relationship is about constant and long term effort. Not only in the first phase of love, when everything comes easy. It is about not keeping the score of who did something for who. It is about expressing the lasting continuous interest for the other person.
There is no worse feeling than just surviving with you partner. Everyone wants to experience the feeling of being important for someone, to be feared and cared for, to be loved.
If you are not providing this feeling to your partner, you can be certain that there will be someone, to whom your partner will be important. Even if it is just for a short time. But even a short time and small things do count.
